What If Who I Am Doesn't Fit Anymore?

Nobody Talks About How Much We Change throughout our life.

We expect change in children.
We expect change in teenagers.
We expect change in college students... sometimes.

Then suddenly adulthood arrives and the message becomes:

You have to stay consistent or you'll look flaky and unreliable.

All of a sudden you’re supposed to choose a career, a relationship, a certain lifestyle, an identity,  and then stick with it for, forever?

This really sits wrong with me and always has. It's complete bullshit.

What if it was all meant to be more fluid? Who are the people making the rules of society’s norms, and are they finally coming to an end? God, I hope so, because I think living this way is not just boring but also damaging to us in every way. Adulthood is when some of the biggest changes actually happen.

The best relationship advice I ever received

A while ago, after my mom had passed, I was talking to my dad and I asked him the secret to a successful marriage/relationship , because my parents had that in every way. The relationship they had was beautiful and amazing to watch.

His answer really surprised me.

What he said was that they were lucky. They met at the beginning of high school and were married for over 50 years. Never fought. Were loving and playful. Supportive of each other. The whole package.

He said that as they moved through life and essentially grew up and changed throughout their entire lives, they always seemed to move in the same direction and want the same things. They grew together naturally. Not forced. Just together.

I guess you could say that this is luck.

They also allowed the other person the space to grow and move in the direction they wanted without a need to control or manipulate. Amazing, right.

How this changed the way I see all relationships

After he said that, I saw all relationships differently. Not just romantic, but all.

It seems with those really close friends, you know, the lifetime friends,  you have these seasons you move through. Sometimes you’re close and aligned, sometimes you’re far apart, but you know they’re there for you and you always seem to return to those friends.

I think all relationships are supposed to be fluid like this.

This is why I don’t believe in the legalities of marriage. If we are meant to spend a lifetime with a person, we will. It’s as simple as that. Allowing that relationship to move in a flexible way can really deepen the connection with that person.

I share this with you because I think life is supposed to be this way.

Fluid.

Careers, college, and crazy expectations

I don’t think there should be a career you pick and you can only do that for the rest of your life. I think the things we do should change with us as we move through different seasons of our lives, so we allow ourselves to continue to grow and learn.

I think spending 4 years studying something and then that’s it, nothing much else for the rest of our lives, is crazy and not healthy. I feel like we should always be learning something, and I think it should be fun. I plan on doing this until I die.

I think it’s crazy that at my age, 58, one of the first things someone you’re just meeting asks is where you went to college. I mean, that was over twenty years ago. Can we talk about this century? I think we all have changed a lot since then,  hopefully,  and we can talk about something more recent and interesting.

Why so many people feel lost in middle age

I think this is why people sometimes feel so lost or stuck when they hit middle age.

They might think, “I’m lost.”

But what they’re actually experiencing is:

“The version of me that built this life is no longer the version of me living it.”

That’s different.

You may have built:

• A successful career

• A marriage

• A family

• A routine

And wake up one day realizing:

“I don’t hate this.” 
 “But I don’t fit here anymore.”

So, why do we stay in this too long?

I think we stay because of:

• Sunk costs

• Expectations

• Fear

• Identity

Questions people ask themselves:

• What will people think?

• What if I fail?

• What if I’ve wasted years?

• What if I’m wrong?

Children understand something adults forget

I think we need to stay in the energy we had as a child.

Think about all the things kids try:

• Soccer

• Dance

• Art

• Music

• Karate

Nobody expects them to know who they are. Experimentation is encouraged.

Then adulthood arrives. And suddenly experimentation becomes failure.

This is backwards. Because the older you get, the more important experimentation becomes.

The real skill is not “finding yourself”

This is the part I’d really emphasize.

People don’t “find themselves.” They discover themselves through experience.

You don’t think your way into clarity.
 You move your way into clarity.

Because they’re sitting around trying to figure out the next chapter before taking a step. Instead, you need to jump in and just try, and experience.

• Take a pottery class.

• Volunteer.

• Start a business.

• Take a writing course.

• Travel.

• Learn a language.

Action reveals identity. Thinking rarely does.

What if life is supposed to be chapters?

Not: “Quit your job tomorrow.” 
Not: “Blow up your marriage.” 
Not: “Start over every six months.”

Humans need both:

• Stability

• Exploration

The goal isn’t constant reinvention. The goal is recognizing when a chapter has ended.

Many people either refuse to leave a chapter, or constantly chase novelty. Neither works.

The skill is knowing the difference.

What if you’re not lost? What if you’ve outgrown your life?

What if the goal of life isn’t to figure out who you are once and for all?

What if the goal is to keep becoming?

To stay curious enough to notice when you’ve changed.
To have the courage to admit when a life, role, dream, or identity no longer fits.
And to trust that the next version of yourself won’t be found through certainty.

It will be found through exploration.

Maybe you’re not lost.

Maybe the version of you that created your current life is not the version of you living it today.

Maybe this isn’t a crisis.

Maybe it’s an invitation.

An invitation to become someone new.

So, ask yourself, what is my next step? What feels good? What feels like me? 

Let me know what your thoughts are and I hope this inspires you to just start! Start living today. Start becoming!

Xo, T