big decisions are scary, really scary.
And if you're waiting to feel fearless
before taking a leap, well, you just might be waiting forever.
Fear is not a glitch in the system,
it's part of the growth process.
And today, we're talking about how to move forward
when fear is sitting shotgun in your life.
I wanna get real with you.
Since COVID, I've caught myself chasing comfort
like it's a lifeline, and here's the thing.
Comfort is really safe, but it's also really boring.
Growth doesn't happen in the cozy zone,
it happens in the stretch, the uncertainty,
the moments where your stomach tightens
and your mind spins.
That's fear showing up to tell you
that this moment matters.
Bottom line, big decisions will never feel completely safe.
Fear doesn't mean you're on the wrong path,
it means you're on the edge of growth.
Today, I wanna call us all out.
Let's figure out how to move forward
while we embrace the fear.
Let's get into it.
(soft music)
- You're listening to the SoulAligned Self-Care Podcast.
I'm your host, Tina Stinson,
and I had a stroke at the age of 39 from stress
and burnout that shook my world.
Now I'm laying it all out.
The deep-level self-care practices and mindset shifts
that I needed that kept me healthy, balanced, and thriving.
Join me in this intimate space
as we explore healing, resilience,
and a soul's journey to alignment.
This is where real conversations about deep-level
self-care happen.
Let's get into it.
(soft music)
Hey guys, welcome to the SoulAligned Self-Care Podcast.
Thank you for joining me this week
and for all the people that come back week after week,
I love you and I appreciate you so much.
And if you're new here, welcome.
This week we're talking about how to make big decisions
and step in to big life changes
without letting fear hold you back.
Okay?
Big decisions, new chapters equal fear.
Fear is just like a natural side effect of that growth.
So how can we start to normalize fear
as a part of the process?
It's kind of like, I feel like when I talk about failure,
maybe it's all the F words, redefining failure
because failure is also part of success
and people look at it as a bad thing
but it's actually a sign that you're on the right path.
You're moving towards success.
I just fear is kind of the same thing
and I'm not immune from this either
and I'll share some of my struggles and stories
about around fear.
So we all would like to think that one day
we're gonna wake up fearless.
We're just gonna reach a point in our life
where nothing scares us anymore
and we're ready to make big leaps,
you know, whether it's changing careers,
moving across the country
or something with a relationship.
It could be starting a new business.
So many things stepping into something brand new
and leaving something that is,
oh, so cozy and comfortable.
I love to be comfortable,
but here's the truth, fear never disappears.
I don't care who you are.
It's a way that our brain protects us, you know?
But we just don't need it there all the time.
He's always like hanging over us like
some kind of a helicopter parent, right?
So one thing I noticed about myself
and this is what I mean by, I'm not immune to this
is ever since COVID.
And I just started thinking about this recently.
I just noticed this pattern about myself.
So this is like five years, right?
Since COVID, right?
Yeah, five years, crazy.
Okay, I have this need since then
to feel very comfortable and safe,
probably because I felt so scared and unsafe at the time.
And in some ways, doing this for myself is good,
you know, it's part of self-care, right?
Making yourself comfortable.
But I also noticed myself being paralyzed
by just about like any decision I had.
Sometimes there is such thing as being too comfortable, right?
So this is because they all involved,
all my decisions involved discomfort and fear in some way, right?
It's just part of growth, think of it, any type of growth,
even when you're working out and you're growing muscles,
it's uncomfortable, you get sore, right?
At first, I didn't notice,
I was even doing this like I said,
but now I see it very clearly.
I noticed the pattern, took me long, but I noticed it.
If I don't let myself experience the discomfort,
I'm not gonna go anywhere.
Everything will just stay the same.
Now, there's parts of my life
where I'm definitely willing to feel uncomfortable.
Part of that is in my business.
I'm still pretty cautious with my business,
but I'm definitely more likely to try new things in business.
But when it comes to personal things,
I'm definitely a little more weary.
So, I'm not gonna go anywhere if I don't take any chances.
If I don't get past this fear,
if I don't like what I call face and embrace the fear,
everything is just gonna stay the same.
But somewhat comfy, right?
That sounds kind of boring also, right?
In this podcast today, I'm gonna share some of the things
that helped me in this situation,
and why now I find myself having to intentionally
walk myself through these steps
just to be able to move forward.
And I'm still working on it.
I'm in the middle of this.
Like, most of the things I share on this podcast,
not all of them, but most of them are front and center
in my life.
That's why I'm sharing them.
I'm kind of, as I move through things,
I'm kind of like sharing with you,
what I'm moving through so that I could,
I don't know, I guess a couple of different things,
help you do the same thing,
make you feel like you're not alone.
And I feel like this is something
that we all kind of experience at some point in our life.
So if you're waiting for fear to vanish,
like I said before you act,
you'll be waiting forever.
Fear is a part of the package deal when it comes to growth.
It shows up not because you're weak or unprepared
or unexperienced, it's because what you're about to do
actually is important to you.
It really, really, really matters to you.
So instead of trying to avoid fear,
what if we learn to just kind of like work with it?
And make it our friend kind of maybe even talk to it.
So why does, why fear shows up when we decide,
when we're making decisions or changes?
So it's not the anime,
it's your nervous system doing its job.
Your body is wired to keep you safe,
which means any big unknown,
even if it's positive sets off alarms.
It's like your brain saying, hold on,
we've never done this before.
Are you sure you wanna do this?
Like I said, the helicopter parent.
That moment of fear is a signal.
It shouldn't be a stop sign.
Don't let it be a stop sign.
It means you're stretching past your comfort zone
into something meaningful.
Your brain would rather keep you comfy and safe,
even if it's not good for you.
It's just what's worked in the past, right?
The goal isn't to eliminate fear.
It's to recognize it and thank it for trying to protect you
and then move forward anywhere.
So like I said, you could talk to it.
So you can even make up a name for it.
You know, I don't know, fearful Frank.
I don't know, make something up.
That's lame.
Make something up that's better.
I would like to actually share with you
that I say this out loud to myself in different situations
when I'm talking to like,
I guess you could call it your subconscious or something.
But just saying thank you,
I know you're trying to take care of me,
but I got this, right?
Just say it out loud.
It helps me to kind of like separate it from me.
Like it's an overprotective helicopter parent.
Like just lay off, right?
(laughs)
This is a great point.
But I have some other tools that I want to share below
that can help also.
So these are some of the things
that I've been using for myself.
First, accept it.
Like don't try to like fight it off or pretend it's not there.
It's normal.
So don't make it a problem.
Just notice it.
That means you're doing something important, right?
It's just, it's information, okay?
Then the best thing, one of the most precious things
that I've done in so many different areas of my life
is take small steps.
If I'm procrastinating, take small steps.
If I'm scared, take small steps.
If I'm tired, take small steps.
All I know is that by taking small steps,
you're still moving forward.
By not doing anything at all, you're staying in one place.
And that seems sometimes it doesn't seem like
that's a big deal.
But even those tiny steps forward create so much momentum.
So fear grows in the gap between where you are now
and where you think you have to be
or where you're going to be, where you want to be.
Breaking like a goal or a decision
into tiny actions closes that gap.
One thing at a time, one email, one phone call,
one conversation, one action can shrink the fear dramatically.
Sometimes things feel so overwhelming
and this happens to me a lot.
And this step for me has always been my bridge to success.
Even if I'm working on a project
and I'm kind of procrastinating,
sometimes I go into journaling
because there's a reason why I'm procrastinating.
Am I fearful of something or what is it?
But what I do is I'm like, okay, what's the next step?
Let's just take that one tiny step.
And then I just lay off at like maybe I wanted to take
10 steps that day.
Maybe I had all these things planned for that one project,
but I'm procrastinating and putting it off
and putting it off and putting it off.
And then I'm like, okay, I'm just going to do one tiny step
and at least I move forward.
And when I do that, I get, I reach the goal.
I reach, I get places.
I just cover so much more territory.
It's amazing.
It's like a little magic wand.
You'd be amazed how quickly you move forward
with even the tiniest steps.
This is like the secret sauce to like getting anywhere.
I really do think that it's worked so well for me
because even when I don't feel like doing something,
the tiniest step is so easy to do.
So I just do that.
It's because it's movement really.
And most people are either in freeze mode
or they're just in stop.
And then some, you know, I'll do it tomorrow.
I'll do it tomorrow.
And then tomorrow gets to be like a year later
and then you haven't done anything.
And how many times have we done this?
I've done this for sure.
But these, this tiny step little thing,
I've been doing this for a couple of years now and amazing.
It sounds so simple.
It sounds so kind of cheesy, but it really works.
When the fear comes, help it move through your body.
So like, acknowledge it.
Don't try to get rid of it.
It's just, it isn't just in your head.
It lives like in your body.
So before making the decision, try to ground yourself
by doing some breath work.
You could take a quick walk outside in nature,
even like shaking it out, shaking out your arms
and your legs.
You'll notice that the fear doesn't feel so paralyzing
after you do something like this.
And I have like a morning playlist,
a shake it out playlist that I play every morning,
whether I have fear or anything going on.
Sometimes I just dance to it.
Sometimes, you know, I'll put it in the show notes.
I'll share it with you.
But sometimes I just play it while I'm getting ready, you know?
Like when I'm getting ready in the morning,
do my chores, everything, I just play it.
It's, I think it's like four songs
and it kind of like takes you on a little journey.
It's like so perfect.
Okay, the next thing,
here's some processes to help you when you're making a decision.
So when you're facing a big choice,
here's some tools that have worked for me
and some of these I've been doing for a long time
and some of them are new.
So journaling, you guys know me.
I am like, I love journaling.
Journaling is like a doorway to use subconscious.
If you get into the right state before you journal,
it could be really magical.
It's like having a conversation with your higher self.
I just love it.
But specifically when you're making a decision,
I love a good pros and cons.
I'm talking about getting a piece of paper,
writing pros and cons at the top
and drawing a line down the middle
and actually listing them all out story, like a backstory.
So I lived in Rochester for a couple of years.
I was dating this man.
We were engaged and I didn't want to be anymore.
And so I decided I was going to move back to,
I was living in Syracuse before
and that's where my kids went to school mostly.
And I was gonna move back to Syracuse,
but I wasn't sure if that was the right choice.
I had all these things streaming through my head.
Obviously I was upset and I wasn't really thinking
and I had to make a quick decision.
I had to be something that I had to do quickly.
So I did a pros and cons list
and because I was so upset,
I wasn't seeing the full picture.
It was just, I had like a lot of,
you know, when you get in your head
and you have like all these anxiety loops
and you're just like,
(humming)
and I just wasn't seeing things clear.
When I actually sat and took the time
to write a pros and cons list,
the answer was just so obvious.
And that's what happens a lot of times
when you make a pros and cons list.
When you have a big decision or an upsetting decision
or a hard decision,
sometimes you get so in your head.
And I like doing this over talking to other people
'cause other people,
and I'll get into that,
other people can like, almost like impose
their own fears onto you and it,
it's never gonna be your true decision.
So doing this work yourself
and moving through it yourself is really the best way.
So you could write down your fears,
also you could write down your desires,
but the pros and cons on each side are so important.
Don't just look for like the practical wins.
Ask yourself, does this align with my values?
Like go through all these little questions
on top of the pros and cons.
Does it support who I wanna become?
The pros and cons list is like really my go to starting point.
It's like a door into your subconscious.
You have like this conversation with yourself.
And when you're in a state of overwhelm,
like I said, you can't really think.
Sometimes doing this just helps you see things so clearly
and things pop up that are so obvious,
but we're hidden in the moment
where you were like kind of in that frozen fear feeling.
So try this the next time you have to make a big decision.
Okay, visualization.
So I love this.
So close your eyes and imagine both outcomes.
You know how when you have a big decision,
it's really important and you go into like that negative
Nancy mode where you're just like imagining
all the worst outcomes and some people are like,
I like to imagine the worst outcomes
so that I'm prepared for them and blah, blah, blah, blah.
How much would your life change
if you imagined the most fantastic outcome?
How many times do you do that?
But you could do both.
So like in one, you can make the choice,
like and then the other you don't,
which one feels expansive?
So you can see how it feels in your body.
So like say you're deciding to move like cross country, right?
And it's a big decision.
So when you imagine yourself actually doing it
and going through with it, does that feel expansive
and exciting or does that feel like heavy
and constricting or draining, right?
See how it feels in your body.
Your body often knows the truth before your mind does.
I actually really feel like it's in your heart,
like your heart just knows.
And to go a bit further,
write out best case scenario daily
of all the benefits of making the decision.
See what comes up.
It really, really helps with the decision making.
Also, I want to point out you're probably like,
all these things are gonna take me so long
and I don't like journaling.
So first of all, we're allowed to take our time
when we're making decisions.
We're allowed.
So back in the day when I talked about that move
that I had to make, I felt very rushed,
but in all honesty, there was nothing pushing me.
I just felt like I felt rushed.
I felt like I needed to make a decision quickly.
But we're allowed to take time.
And if you have someone pressuring you to say,
I need time to work this out.
Like I'm gonna step back and I have to think about this.
You're allowed to do that.
So first of all, I want to point that out
because a lot of people always have that feeling
that they don't, they're not allowed that space,
especially if someone's waiting for an answer.
Just tell them that you're taking your time with this decision
and they're just gonna have to wait.
You're allowed yourself to do that for yourself.
Now, another thing you could do is ask better questions, okay?
The quality of your question shapes the quality
of your decision.
So instead of letting fear frame the conversation
and the questions, reframe it with possibility, okay?
Instead of saying something like,
what if it doesn't work out?
Then ask yourself, what if it does work out?
Just like the visualization exercise.
What if it does?
How cool would that be, right?
Instead of saying, what will people think of me?
That's another thing that stops us from doing things.
Instead say, what will I think about myself
if I don't do this?
Because that's what's really important.
That's the most important thing, how you feel about yourself.
And another one would be instead of saying,
what if I fail and say, well, what if I learn if I try?
What will I learn if I try?
Or what if I don't fail?
And how will I feel about myself if I don't even try?
Okay, so there's a lot of better questions that you could ask.
So most of us always ask the negative questions
and almost always we see how these, you know,
see, just see how these new questions feel
and maybe journal the amount on paper
when you have a decision to make.
So what I'm hoping right now for you as the listener
is that you have a decision to make
or maybe you're thinking about, you know, a new goal,
something new that you want to bring into your life.
Try some of these things to help you move forward
if you're feeling a little stuck.
Okay.
Now I want to get back to when I talked about
why I think talking it out with everyone in your damn life
rarely helps.
So when we're scared, our instinct is often crowdsource reassurance.
And this is just, I think this is disastrous.
We'll tell five friends, we'll tell our mom
or every family member, our hairdresser,
hoping someone will say the magic thing
that will make the decision easy.
But notice how it's never easy.
Here's the catch, most people will project their own fears
and biases on to you, like I said earlier.
Instead of clarity, you end up with this, like, noise confusion
and more fear sometimes than when you started,
sometimes someone will bring up a whole new fear for you.
The exception, having that one person
who is removed from your situation
and willing to be brutally honest,
some of us have friends like this.
It could be a coach, a counselor, a mentor,
but if you have a trusted friend
who isn't invested in your outcome
but is invested in your clarity
and will call out your bullshit,
that is priceless.
Don't let go of them.
Quality feedback beats quantity every time.
No one is in your situation, right?
No one knows us like we know ourselves.
No one knows all your circumstances.
Nobody has all the same circumstances
and they're just giving their perspective
of how they would feel and act, okay?
And especially like sometimes when you talk to a parent
or something like that, they're just scared for you.
They just wanna protect you, but they are not you.
Some of us do have that one friend like I said, they know us,
they call us out on a bullshit when they say it
and I have to say once again, this is just really rare.
And if you have a friend like that, hold onto it.
Hold onto them.
Okay, now bringing this all together.
Now I'm not saying you have to do each one of these things
for every decision.
See how each thing feels, whatever works for you, take it,
whatever doesn't work for you, doesn't feel right,
leave it behind.
Big decisions are never gonna feel 100% safe.
Fear is just part of the process
and embrace fear as your friend.
The key isn't waiting until you're fearless
because you're never gonna be fearless.
It's learning to move forward
with fear, writing in the passenger seat.
You can even visualize it, have a name for them,
visualize what they look like,
but they're not behind the wheel.
Don't let them behind the wheel
'cause fear doesn't know how to drive.
Fear is like from the city,
they never drove a day in their life,
so they shouldn't be behind the wheel.
Clarity comes from action, not endless going around thinking.
Small steps build the courage.
Better questions open up new possibilities
and when you act from your truth
instead of everyone else's opinions,
you discover the strength that you have
to create the life that you actually want.
You will feel so powerful when you start doing this.
So the next time you feel fear creeping in
around a decision or an action or anything,
take a breath,
ground yourself and remember,
fear isn't proof that you're on the wrong path.
It's proof you're standing on the edge of growth.
It's proof that whatever you're doing really matters.
So tell me,
what is a big decision on your heart right now?
Something big that you wanna do right now,
or something new you wanna try?
I don't know.
Something that you have some fear behind.
And what is one small step that you can take
this week to move toward it?
So this is me calling you out, calling myself out
to take that one baby step this week.
I know I'm gonna be doing it myself.
That's it for today's podcast.
It's been such a joy hanging out with you.
If you feel like sharing your step,
you can come over to Patreon
and follow me for free over there and leave me a message.
I would love to hear from you.
It's called Soul Online Life.
The link is always in the show notes
for our Patreon community.
I would love to see you over there.
Okay, bye.
Hey, thanks for hanging out with me today.
If you're ready to move forward
with more ease, clarity, and calm,
I've designed a gentle nervous system reset just for women.
Simple, easy, soothing practices to help release tension,
reconnect with your inner calm and build resilience,
so fear does not run the show.
You could find it in the show notes.
Remember, fear in the passenger seat doesn't mean you're stalled.
It means you're ready to grow.
Take that step, small, intentional, grounded,
and see what opens up for you.
I'll see you next week.
(upbeat music)
