Nobody really talks about how much we change throughout our whole lives.
And there's certain portions of the population that are expected to change, like children, teenagers.
Sometimes we expect change in college students.
And I say sometimes, because I feel like there's a lot of parents and adults out there that expect
kids that are going to college to choose something, you know, to choose a direction.
When they're not even fully formed yet.
And then suddenly we reach like this adulthood stage, right?
And it arrives and the message really quickly becomes.
And as I say, the lines are dulled between like college age students who are like 18 and
then adulthood, which is whatever you want to call it, you have to stay consistent or
you're going to look flaky and unreliable.
All of a sudden you're supposed to choose a career, a relationship, a certain lifestyle,
an identity and then stick it with it forever.
And if you don't do that, as I said, you're considered flaky, you know, or the crazy
out in the family or unreliable or, oh, she's just a, what's the word?
I'm trying to think of the term that's used quite often for people who just jump around.
I'm one of those people.
So you can tell me what you say about me.
But the reality sits wrong with me and it always really has.
It's because it's complete bullshit.
It really is.
I think we're programmed to believe this, to be good little worker ants, you know, and to
go to work and make the rich people richer and, you know, do all the stuff that makes their
lives work better, but not really work for us, you know.
So I think, in my opinion, and everybody might have a different opinion about this, I think
it's meant to be more fluid.
And besides, who are the people that are making all the roles that are, like, they're
lining up society's norms?
I think we should, like, think about who are the people who are telling us what's normal
and what's not, right?
And when did that start?
And I think that, finally, that is coming to an end.
I feel like because all I hear over and over again from people is, "I don't know what's
wrong with me.
I don't want to go to work today.
I just, I'm uninspired.
I'm not depressed.
I'm not sad.
I'm just blah, just, like, stuck in neutral or something.
I've been hearing this over and over and over again.
That's why I'm recording this podcast because I see it.
And every single person in my life.
And I really hope that that norm of, you know, being like the good worker aunt is coming
to an end because I think living that way is not just boring, but also very damaging to
us in every single way, our health, our physical health, our mental health.
Mental health is actually when some of the biggest changes actually happen.
So I want to share with you some of the absolute best relationship advice that I ever received.
This is a while ago and I believe it was after my mom had passed.
So that was like 2014.
And I was talking to my dad and I asked him, "What is the secret to a successful marriage/relationship,
right?
Because in my view, my parents had that perfect relationship.
They had been together, well, they were married for over 50 years and they would still be married
today if my mom was still alive.
And they were together way before that, way before they got married.
And they knew each other since they were young teenagers.
Because, because when I look at my parents and I saw some of the hard times that they
went through, like health challenges and stuff like that, and I saw how together they were
and what a team they were.
And it made me really realize that I really know nothing about their relationship.
And that's the same for everybody.
We don't know what other people's relationships are.
We can imagine what they are, but we don't really know what they are.
But the more I got to know my parents over time and as I became an adult and an older adult
and watched my parents go through things, I realized that they are tight, they are just tight.
And the relationship that they had was just absolutely beautiful and amazing to watch.
And what a good, powerful role model they both were for me.
And I think that's why I'm not willing to settle for anything less than great, like what
they had.
But his answer that he gave me was really surprising and not what I expected.
I expected like a lecture, my dad has really good advice and he can talk about things like
that for a while.
But what he said was that they were lucky, right?
I believe they met the beginning of high school and they were married, like I said, for over
50 years.
I never really saw them fight about anything.
They were loving, they were playful, they always stayed like fun and playful.
They were supportive of each other.
It was the whole package.
He said to me when I asked him that question that as they moved through life and essentially
grew up and changed throughout their entire lives, they always seem to move in the same direction
and want the same things.
They grew together, naturally, not force, just together.
That's when he meant by the luck part.
And I guess you could say that is luck.
They also allowed the other person the space to grow and move in the direction they wanted
without the need to control and manipulate.
And I think that's amazing, right?
Because there were times I would watch as my dad was a big motorcycle guy.
He would go off on his motorcycle for the weekend.
He would go camping.
So he was part of this motorcycle club.
And they would drive pretty far all over the place and go camping.
I think it was like BMW, air heads, right?
And he was not really going to communicate with my mother.
And I remember just being like, did he get there yet?
As he said, she's like, I don't know, I haven't heard from him.
And I would get so pissed off because I'm like, because I would be worried about him.
And my mom just knew he was okay.
I don't know how she knew that, but she never got pissed off or upset about him.
Being very communicating a lot.
Maybe she was used to that.
I don't know what it was, but I just watched as she just gave him that space.
And I was like, that's kind of cool.
I don't know whether I would be able to do that because I would be still worried.
But I, like I said, we don't know about other people's relationships.
And so maybe there was just something she knew that I didn't like a feeling or just a knowing
that he was fine.
And so how this changed the way I see all relationships was in that moment that changed everything
for me.
After he said that, I saw all relationships differently, not just romantic, but all.
It seems with those really close friends, you know, the lifetime friends, you have these
seasons you move through.
Sometimes you're close, sometimes you're aligned, sometimes you're for a part.
You're just in different spaces in your life.
You don't talk a lot, but you always know that they're there and you could just pick things
up like no time has passed, right?
We all have those friends.
And you always seem to return to those friends.
I think all relationships are supposed to be fluid like this.
I think the pressure that we put on our partners is way heavier than it needs to be.
And I'm not saying not to have like a monogamous relationship.
I'm not saying that.
I just think it needs to be a little more fluid.
Not in the way that you're just with other people all the time, just so you have that space,
that space that to be yourself individually, you know?
And if that space and that space should be yours by design.
Like, if you don't want to be traditionally married, then don't be traditionally married,
don't get married because you're supposed to get married.
If you don't want to live with that person all the time, then don't.
Like if you don't want to share a bedroom, don't.
Like do it the way you want to do it, create your own space, your own relationship, your own
rules.
And that's what I mean by it should be more fluid like that.
I think that some of the way that we move through life like careers, college and contain
like a lot of very crazy expectations.
I don't think there should be a career you pick that you can only, that, that, and that's
the thing that you have to do for the rest of your life.
I think the things that we do should change with us as we move through different seasons
in our lives.
So we allow ourselves to continue to grow and learn.
I see people my age that went to college and are doing the same job over and over again.
I'm not saying they're not happy, but they're not growing.
Like they don't take any classes.
They don't learn new things.
But I think this kind of like stagnancy just creates stagnancy within your health as
well, your brain.
I just don't think it's good for us as human beings to not grow and not learn.
I think spending four years studying something and then that's it, nothing much else for the
rest of your life unless you're forced to take a class for work or something.
I think that's crazy.
It's not healthy.
I think that we should always be learning something new and expanding and being fluid and I think
it should be fun.
And I plan on doing this until I die.
I'm always taking classes and I just think it's so fun.
And I just don't understand a person that is just doing the same thing over and over.
And I think that's why a lot of times people retire and then right in that moment they
decline so quickly because they're not doing anything.
They're not using their brain.
They're not learning anything new.
You know what I mean?
It just seems like not a healthy way to be.
I think it's crazy that at my age, which is 58, one of the first things someone that you're
meeting for the first time asks you is where you went to college and I'm like, I mean,
that was always over, way over 20 years ago.
Can we talk about something in this century?
I think we all have changed a lot since then and to hold on to that so tightly is strange
to me and hopefully we can talk about something more recent and interesting that is going
on now, you know, recent.
And I never understood that.
It actually also really frustrates me.
There's nothing that pisses me off more than someone asks me where I went to school.
So getting back to the topic, which is, what if I, who I am, doesn't fit anymore?
So what if this identity that you created for yourself because of all these things?
It doesn't serve you anymore.
It doesn't feel comfortable anymore.
I think that is why so many people feel lost in middle-aged, all those things I just talked
about.
They might think I'm lost, right?
But what I really think, what they're actually experiencing is the version of me that built
this life that I'm in right now is no longer the version of me living it.
There is a misalignment at this point and that's way different than being lost.
You may have built a successful career, a marriage, a family, a routine and then you wake
up one day just realizing that I don't hate this, but I don't fit here anymore.
And I think that's what I'm hearing from so many people right now.
The ones that are like, I'm not depressed, but I'm not happy either.
Like I'm not sad, but I just, I don't want to do this anymore.
Nobody wants to do anything anymore.
Like I have no people don't want to leave their house.
They don't want to do anything.
They don't want to hang out with people.
They're uninspired.
So I think that this is the perfect description of what I just said, that version of me,
that built this life that I'm in is no longer the version of me living it.
So why do we stay in this too long?
I think there's a lot of reasons.
A lot of it is investment.
Like you invested so much time, so much money into where you are right now, it sounds crazy
to like walk away from it.
And this is one of the things I kind of struggled with in my business.
And I'm very transitioned in my business.
And I work at something so long.
So for an example, I built this online program and I did not have success with it.
But oh my god, it was so much work.
I put so much work into it.
All the videos I filmed, all the editing, all the writing, all the putting it together,
all the money, everything.
And I just wasn't having success with it, no matter what I did.
I changed the name.
I relaunched it.
New marketing.
New, everything.
Like, new copy, everything.
I tried everything and I just did not have success with it.
And to like walk away from it just seemed like, wow, I just, I invested years in this program.
Like how can I walk away from it?
I think it's a lot of that.
And trust me, when you do walk away from it, it feels so good.
So I'm so good at walking away from things like that now.
If it just doesn't, it's not aligned anymore.
It's not feeling good.
Just walk away.
There's certain things that are harder to walk away from.
I'm quite aware of that.
I think another thing is, is there's a lot of expectations from family loved ones, friends,
so many different people, children, parents, whatever.
There's fear, obviously.
I mean, I think that's definitely there, but I don't think it's the biggest one.
And then it's like, a lot of times it's your whole identity.
For example, somebody who goes to school, for God knows how many years to become a doctor,
invests, God knows how much money.
And then there are a doctor for, say, 20 years or so, maybe even longer.
And how can they walk away from that?
But they're miserable, stressed, not happy.
Don't want to be a doctor anymore.
I can understand how hard that is to transition out of something like that and why so many
people cannot even do that.
So I understand that.
So I think questions that you might ask yourself when you're in this position too, and the reason
you say so long is, you're like, well, what are the people going to think of me?
Like what the doctor think?
What are my parents going to think?
They put me through school.
They sacrificed for me.
So it's like there's so many things that so much pressure.
What if I fail?
What if I go in another direction and I completely fail?
What if I've wasted all these years, all this time, like me, like when I was doing the program,
something a lot smaller, you know, but I put years into it.
Like what if that was waste?
Wasted?
Well, I wasted a lot of time.
I don't think it's ever a waste.
I think we're learning, we're having new experiences, we make new connections, we're networking.
There's so many different things that happen.
There are some people that did take my program and it helped them.
I helped people, right?
It just wasn't a big banging success, right?
But there were people that bought it and loved it and told me so and I helped them.
And so that matters, you know what I mean?
And then there's always that, you know, you're questioning yourself, well, what if I'm wrong?
Like what if I'm wrong about, you know, trying something new or moving out of this?
What if everything, just like I light everything on fire and I'm just wrong?
So, but I think that we need to just think of things differently and not take ourselves
too seriously.
And the more I do this, the more I realize how much more I can expand and learn.
The more flexible I am in my life, the more it seems like I am in control.
It seems weird.
Like that's just like counter-intuitive, I think.
But the more flexible you are with everything, opinions, the way you do things in life, the
way you accept the people that you talk to, like all the more flexible you are, the more
you learn, the more you grow.
And I really believe the more success that you have.
And I think children understand something that we forget as adults.
I almost think we're programmed to forget this.
I think we need to stay in the energy that we had when we were a child.
I mean, think about it.
Our kids try everything.
Remember when your kids are little or your kids are little right now as you're listening
to this?
And they're trying soccer and dance and art and music and karate and baseball and gymnastics
and ice skating and just like everything.
And nobody thinks it's crazy.
They're like, oh, they're testing stuff out.
Nobody expects them to know who they are.
Experimentation is encouraged.
And then adulthood arrives and suddenly experimentation becomes failure.
This is backwards because the older you get, the more important experiment and temptation
becomes.
The real skill is not finding yourself, right?
You don't need to find anything.
This is the part I'd really emphasize and to like really focus on.
People don't find themselves.
They discover themselves through experience.
When I work with people who are trying to find direction and purpose, it's about digging
deeper within themselves.
It's always about that.
And finding those things, finding yourself, discover yourself through experience.
You don't think your way into like clarity or movement, right?
You move your way into clarity because if you're sitting around trying to figure out the next
chapter before taking a step, you're not going to get anywhere.
You're just going to constantly be in thought, right?
And a lot of times the more you think about it, the more you move into indecision.
And you just freeze almost.
Instead, you need to jump in and just try and experience.
Do like your kids take a pottery class volunteer, start a business, take a writing course, travel,
learn a language, whatever you need to do.
And don't think about any, say you try something and it doesn't work out.
You're like, "Oh, see?
I failed."
No.
I believe we need to think of failure differently.
Any failure is just something didn't go as planned.
And you can either use that failure as a learning experience, a lesson or just an indication
that you need to move in a different direction.
Sometimes your shift needs to be so small, right?
It doesn't mean that everything that you just did wasn't worthwhile.
That's absolutely not true.
Say you take a writing course because you're like, "I'm going to write a book, right?"
You take a writing course and you learn a lot.
You meet some nice people, you make some new friends, but you hate it, you hate writing.
You're like, "I'm never going to write a book.
I hate this."
That's not a failure.
That's just, you just figured something new about yourself that you don't want to be
a writer.
So what's next?
Start a business.
I don't know.
Action reveals identity, thinking rarely does.
So what if life is supposed to be chapters, right?
And it doesn't have to be like, "Quit your job tomorrow.
Blow up your marriage or start over every six months."
That's not what I'm saying.
You need both stability and exploration and wonder, okay?
The goal is a constant reinvention of yourself.
The goal is really recognizing when the chapter has ended, acknowledging it and then moving
on.
Many people either refuse to leave a chapter or constantly chase novelty.
Neither works.
The skill is knowing the difference.
So what if you're not lost, right?
You feel lost, right?
But what if you've just outgrown the life that you're in right now?
What if the goal of life isn't to figure out who you are once and for all?
What if the goal is to keep becoming?
And I love that, just becoming.
To stay curious enough to notice when you've changed and to have the courage to admit when
a life, a role, a dream or an identity no longer fits you.
And then trust that the next version of yourself won't be found through certainty.
It never will be found through certainty.
It will be found through exploration.
So you're not lost.
Maybe the version of you that created the current life that you're in is not the version
of you living it today.
You're a different person now.
Maybe this isn't a crisis.
It isn't.
Maybe it's just an invitation.
An invitation to become someone new.
So ask yourself, right now, what is your next step?
What feels good?
What feels like you inside?
Take little baby steps one at a time, little shifts, and then see where it leads you.
Every time you do something differently, it leads you down a new path.
Every little shift, every little baby step that you take matters and changes the trajectory
of your life.
So let me know what your thoughts are.
And I hope this inspires you to just start, to just start living and becoming something
different today.
Okay.
Love you guys.
