Hello, Carla, and welcome to the Soul Align Self-Care podcast.
I'm so happy to have you here today.
How are you doing?
I'm so good this morning, and it's lovely to be here with you.
Great, great.
I'm just going to go right into it and talk about the word trying, right?
So I hate that word.
I absolutely hate that word because whenever I say it, I always feel like I've given up
on myself.
Like, it's almost like, "Oh, I'm giving up before I even get started," or it feels
almost like, "I'm letting myself off the hook so that if I don't really follow through
or I don't really do this, it's okay because I was only trying.
I didn't make the decision to actually do it."
So I love the title of your book that's coming out in September, right?
Correct.
September 3rd.
What date is it?
September 23rd.
September 23rd, very exciting.
So it's called "Stop trying the life, transforming power of trying less than doing more," right?
Oh, okay.
I love that.
So tell me how this book came into fruition.
Like, what was the birth story of this book?
The birth story of this book.
I love the way you said that.
So I have always been fascinated with what gets somebody from point A to point Z.
I love success stories.
I love documentaries and biographies and how did this person go from this place to that
place?
And so that's just been a natural interest of mine.
And then I've always been pushed, I think, in my life into doing rather than trying.
My childhood was unconventional.
My dad was a gambler.
We were sometimes put in situations that you kind of had to think or swim, which served
me very well.
And many years ago, I started writing in a book.
This was just a personal thing that I did.
And I called it my magic book because it was a new journal.
I'd write in it once a year, one time, one day.
In January, I'd open the book up and I would thank the universe for everything that I had
in my life.
It always starts with gratitude with me.
And then I would write down what I intended to have happened that year, this year, boom,
boom, boom.
And I think at first, I thought that it was the power of writing it down was what made it
magical, which is what made it come true because 90% of the things in that magic book would
come true that year.
And so I actually started doing workshops on the power of writing it down, getting it
out of your head onto paper where it becomes tangible, where you can see it, feel it, touch
it, smell it.
It's out of my head now that the universe can actually work on it.
But what I realized after doing workshops and investigating that, it wasn't so much writing
it down.
It was the words I used.
I never knew.
I was wishing, wanting, trying, hoping.
It was always being, doing, and having the language.
There was never a try in there.
And so we just kind of really got funneled through that process.
And I have been triggered.
I physically can, I have the zinger that goes off in my head when I hear someone say try.
And so, you know, I'm like, okay, the universe literally kept pushing this opportunity for
me to write the book.
And I, you know, the opportunity was presented to meet an agent and, boom, off I went.
And now the book's coming out.
So it's been a culmination of many years, you know, over a decade of getting to this point.
That's very, that's a very, I love that story.
I also love the magic book.
I love that.
I do it, I do something similar, a little different, but I do it on my birthday every year.
And it's like, yeah, it's like a, almost like a planning kind of a thing.
And I, I'm kind of the pay attention to my wording.
Yeah, I feel like when you write things down, I'm a big journalist and I feel like journaling
is almost a way to have a conversation with your subconscious.
And so it's, it's so powerful to me.
And I feel like some people really just work with words, work with writing better, you know?
I mean, some people may not resonate with that, but I think it really makes it stick a little
bit.
And I did say at the beginning of the podcast that I hate the word trying, but I still use it.
And it comes up sometimes, but I do catch it.
I do catch it.
And I'm kind of like, oh my God, cancel clear delete.
Like, like say something better than that, you know, if you're trying, you're not really
doing it.
You just said, you just said I'm trying to cancel clear delete.
Okay.
No, this is hysterical.
Like I hear it every time you say it.
It's terrible.
Yeah.
And that's why this book is going to be so important and it's so much fun.
Like we're laughing about it, you know?
And I think that's a really great place to come from.
Like really have fun with this.
Yeah.
I mean, I know I say it and it's, it's a terrible word.
I hate it.
Like, and when I hear my kids say it, I'm like, don't say that.
Don't say trying.
Just say, you know, this is what's happening.
Like, you know, but I have a question.
Like when you started writing the book, I'm assuming that you looked into the science
and it's behind it.
So tell us a little bit about the science and maybe go into a better way of doing things.
Okay.
Look, this is fairly a new concept.
So there's literally not a lot of science, but there are a lot of things around it that
are, that are scientific and there have been studies, research studies and stuff like
that.
Yeah.
Before I answer your question, I want to just say, I want to clarify that.
It's not bad to try.
What's bad is that we, what's bad is that we don't understand really what it means to try.
So it's okay to try as long as you know what it means and what you're doing.
You may want to try.
You may want to have heart something.
You may not want to dive all the way in.
But the problem with it is that we think we're doing when we're trying.
We can fool ourselves and that's where all the mental garbage comes in and then the negative
self-talk and the depression and the anxiety because I'm trying and I'm trying.
But once you clarify and you know what it means when you say you're trying, then you can
make the choice not to do it or do it.
But until you have that clarity, you're going to be stuck in this, this not action where
you think you're doing.
So, so here's a scientific example.
And when you're talking about all the things that you're trying to do, you know, you meet
the person at the party or the dinner or the family gathering and they're standing
be hot before you or perhaps it's you yourself.
Well, I'm trying to grow my podcast and I've been trying to write this book and I'm also
trying to start a class at the local college and in that moment your brain is getting hits
of dopamine and serotonin and these neurotransmitters and adrenaline and it's firing and those are
all the feel good receptors that are happening in our brain.
And for some people that's enough.
Just getting those hits, talking about what you're trying to do.
But those people because that feels so good, you never move past that to the action of
doing it.
And you can stay stuck in that cycle.
But you know, when you keep going back to the same party year after year and you're like,
hey, how's your book coming along or was that podcast?
Wow, I'm still trying to boom, boom, boom.
That's when you start going, wow, like I really haven't done anything and then the heavy
wow, I'm not, I'm really lazy and I'm really like a loser or I'm really, you know, blah,
blah, blah.
So there's some science right there when your, the brain cannot tell the difference as to
whether you're doing something or just talking about it.
A good example is like I could say, oh, there's this black Harry spider crawling on your
shoulder right now and you'd get itchy and you'd want to like rub your shoulder, right?
Because the brain thinks, wow, there could be a, so, so there's one reason and one scientific
thing behind it.
Yeah, that's very interesting because I never thought of it that way.
I have a, I actually don't usually have a problem getting to where I want to go.
Like when I started the podcast, I was terrified.
But whenever I get terrified to do something, I'm always like, okay, just do it, just do it
imperfectly and get it over with.
Like it's almost like I just like throw myself into it and throw myself.
And but there are some times where I do feel like I get stuck, you know?
And still to this day, I haven't really figured out why some things, I get really stuck on
some things and sometimes I don't usually kind of journal on it and like one of my afraid
of and you know, I go into things like that.
And then sometimes I'm like, am I not supposed to do this?
This is like my, the universe trying to like redirect me or what does this mean?
You know?
So why do you think sometimes people get stuck like that?
Is it, is it just the brain chemistry or do you think it's something else that also
keeps them in that place of non activity?
Oh my gosh, there are so many reasons that we get stuck in that place.
Number one, you said it first.
Okay.
We're so afraid of failing.
If I say I'm going to do this thing, wow, what if I can't do it?
What if I fail?
What are people going to think of me?
We're also afraid of success, which for me happened because you know, when I had the opportunity
to write this book at first, I'm like, oh no, no, no, you know, because what if I do this
and what if I get the book deal?
Then I'm going to have to promote it and what if it does well and then you know, I'm a very
private person and that's going to change and now I'm not going to be able to do the things
that I'm used to doing.
So we fear failure, we fear success, other reasons that keep us stuck.
You know, it's usually our motivation.
If you're not clear on what's motivating you, you know, if it's not strong, then you
can stay in that little middle area of, do I do it or don't I do it?
But if you have a really powerful reason for doing something, that's usually going to override
any of your hesitancy.
So motivation is key, letting go of fear of failure or success, thinking you can do it later,
procrastination.
It's just something we tend to pull out of the hat because it's a luxury to know that
you can do this whenever, but the difference is the doers and the tryers, the doers, they
do jump right into the middle of it.
And another thing is, you know, we're not comfortable with pivoting, just knowing if
I do this, I can start now.
I don't have to, you know, wait and go back and forth because if it's not the right thing,
then it's going to lead me to the right thing, you know, this is going to go somewhere,
if I at least keep pursuing it.
There's a couple, but there are so many, there's so many reasons.
Yeah, I agree, there's so many reasons.
I think you really have to like dig down deep inside of your psyche and start to try to
pull those things out when you get really, really stuck.
And, you know, I also want to say that when you're in that moment of, there's something
that I want to do and I'm kind of half-heartening it and I'm trying to do this, sometimes it's
not sometimes, all the time.
It's much more powerful to decide not to do something than to try and do it and fail.
You know, just decide, you know what?
I'm not doing that right now.
You know, maybe someday, but right now I'm making the definitive conscious decision, I'm
not doing this because when you do come around to doing it, you won't try.
You won't have party.
You'll be like, I'm ready now and I'm committed.
So you know, if anyone's out there torturing themselves about God, I've been trying to do
this and I'm not doing it.
Number one, say, well, what's your motivation?
How strong is it?
If it isn't strong, just decide not to do it.
And yeah, do the next thing.
Yeah, that's so powerful because you're right.
It's a very powerful move because if you, if it's something that you really want, you're
going to come back to it, you know?
And so it's also a way to figure out, you know, the motivations behind what you, what this
one thing, it's like, is it something you are doing because it's the, it's the next step
that society expects you to make?
Is it something you're doing because it's expected from your family or your partner or
whoever?
Or is it really yours?
Is it really your desire?
And I think you'll really figure that out if you decide not to do it because you'll
come back to it.
If it's deep in your heart, you know?
Absolutely.
There's intrinsic and extrinsic motivation, you know?
And if it's intrinsic, it's because it's something that you want to do because you love
someone or you have a passion for something.
If it's extrinsic, it's because you want the money or the reward, you know?
And I feel like the stronger motivator is going to come from, you know, from within you.
Yeah.
You're going to get from it.
Yeah, that's an excellent point and it's something so simple that you can pass over so easily.
So that's a really good point for everyone to just either do it or just make the decision
not to do it, which is an equally, could be a very equally good decision, you know?
Absolutely.
And take a lot of pressure off yourself because then you're not like going to that same
party every year.
Well, I just decided not to write the book, okay?
You know?
Yeah, I don't want to do that anymore.
Yeah, that passed and I don't want to do it anymore.
So I'm doing something else.
But I talk about having a clear mind and being at peace with yourself and at peace with
your decisions.
Like that's what it's all about, you know?
Yeah.
It just kind of wipes away all that negative self-talk and all the fear, the anxiety, the questioning.
Once you say, you know what?
I'm not doing it.
I'm confident, you know?
It kind of actually replaces those feelings with strength and confidence and accountability
and all those really good feelings that were placed.
Yeah, that's, yeah, I agree.
That's a really really really good point.
So let's get into better ways of doing things.
So doing the doing, so to speak.
So how does someone who always tries do better, if I'm saying that right?
That makes sense.
That makes sense.
That makes sense.
Stop trying.
So how do you stop?
Yeah.
Yeah, how do you stop trying?
What are some steps that you could take to break out of that?
So okay.
I think becoming aware is the first step, like always.
Yeah.
Becoming aware of the fact that you are trying.
So what does it mean to try?
Right?
I think it means.
So starting at the very beginning, we think that trying is taking a first step.
We think that trying is brave.
We think that we're doing when we're trying.
Sometimes it's just a matter of semantics, okay?
So if I say I'm going to try to put these glasses on, the odds are I'm going to put my
glasses on, okay?
So that's semantics.
Which I don't even want anyone to ever say the word try ever.
I want to, I can't go into a clothing store and say I'm going to try this blouse on.
I don't do it.
I say I'm putting the blouse on and I'm going to see how it looks.
It's just ridiculous.
My family, they laugh at me.
They all don't say the word.
They stop themselves.
But so sometimes it's semantics, right?
But of course we're talking about real items that affect our everyday life, our health,
our happiness, our relationships, our careers, like all of it.
So we think it means we're doing unless we're talking semantics.
What trying really means is that you're going to maybe kind of sort of do it if-ish later,
right?
And if you do try, it's going to be this half-hearted attempt.
And going even deeper, the reality is, ready?
There is no action for trying.
There's literally no physical action.
So do you want to do a little try test right now?
Yes.
Okay.
So hold up a finger in front of you.
I'm going to give you three directions.
Okay, the first direction is touch your nose with your finger.
Okay.
Okay, beautiful.
Now put your finger back in the air.
And the third direction is do not touch your nose with your finger.
Okay.
Perfect.
You're just holding it out in front of you.
The third direction is you're going to try to touch your nose, but you're not, we've
already touched it and we've already not touched it.
So now we're going to do the try to touch it.
So, like, what is that, so what does that look like for you right now?
What does it feel like?
It feels like my fingers there, but I'm not going to let it get to my nose.
It's just going to be there hanging out.
And is it feel confusing?
It feels, yeah, yeah, it feels like, it feels uncomfortable kind of.
It feels uncomfortable and silly and confusing.
You look silly just standing there.
Okay, okay.
So, so our brain reacts the same way as our finger did when we tell it to try.
It's like, am I going to do this or am I not doing this?
Because our thoughts become our words, our words become our actions and our actions become
our reality.
And when you tell yourself you're going to try, you're in this netherland of not either
doing or not doing, and our brain is like, okay, great.
So when we tell our kids, can you try to get along when they're screaming in the back of
the car?
They're like, sure, we'll try to get along, mom.
Because they know they don't have to.
They're just going to try.
And when you tell yourself you're going to try to do anything, you know that number one,
I'm not accountable because I only said I'm going to try.
Number two, I can lean on excuses.
Well, I tried to stick to my diet at the party and then here comes blame, but they didn't
have the right food.
So I had to eat what they had because I was starving.
Okay.
And as if you're doing, you are bringing food to that party that you can eat or you're eating
before and having a glass of club soda, like whatever it is or bringing your own almonds
or celery, you know, that's extreme.
But, you know, you, because you're not going to, you have accountability, you're doing, you're
sticking to your diet, you're not going to eat the crap, whether they have something for
you or not.
So, so the reality of, of trying is that we're half-harding and we're really not having any
action whatsoever.
So how we get beyond that is of course listening to this podcast, you know, becoming hyper-aware
of now that you know the difference between trying and doing, ask yourself, why am I trying
this?
What's holding me back?
So, start small is the first thing.
I would say after gratitude, being grateful to have the ability to make the changes that
you want to make, start small.
So pick one thing that's like really little, like I always refer to the junk drawer in the
kitchen, right?
We have.
We have.
We have.
We have the drawer that you can't even close because it's packed with crap, right?
So you've been saying I'm going to try to clean the junk drawer every time you open it up
in the back, your head, you're like I got to, you know, try to clean this out.
Go do that one little thing and then go do another little thing and it's going to lead
up to very big things like, you know, I think about people that are trying to schedule a doctor's
appointment.
I'm going to try and schedule my mammogram.
I'm going to try and schedule my colonoscopy.
I'm going to try and schedule my dermatology skin cancer, right?
Trying means you're going to have hearted, okay?
And you may not get around to doing that, which could be life threatening.
Right?
There are a lot of people, you know, that never did schedule their annual exam and missed
something, which is really sad.
So I would say believe in yourself, have, you know, built some confidence that you're
capable instead of trying, you are capable of doing, you are capable of having a stronger
mindset and taking action, be realistic.
So if there are things that you've said you're trying to do, really ask yourself again, is
this realistic like right now?
Do I have the time?
Do I have the resources?
Do I have the energy to do what it is?
I've been saying I'm trying to do.
I just want to get it out of the try two box and put it in the due box.
And the more you do it, the more you start small and build up, it can change your whole
life.
Yeah, I absolutely agree.
So yeah, so it starts with the awareness and then it moves into pay attention to the words
that you're using the language, you know, like stop saying try, you know, try to try,
to stop saying try.
No, no, you have to stop saying try.
And here's a way that you can do that is you can tell your family, ask your family,
guys, you know, you can really have a lot of fun with this set up a try jar, okay?
And every time somebody says the word try, they have to put a little paper in the jar.
And at the end of the week, whoever has the least papers in there, you know, gets to
choose where we're having dinner, you know, or if it's your office, you know, do a try jar
on the office.
And whoever has the most amount of tries has to buy coffee for everybody.
But it's you listening to others say the word and pointing it out to them and then asking
others to point it out every time you say it, but trust me, this is like a, you'll hate
me after this podcast because I literally just said I'm going to try to stop saying try.
I didn't really just said that.
So I am the perfect example.
I'm like, I'm just like setting, setting it up for you right now.
Well, you know, here I look for everybody.
Here's a, here's a really great thing to know.
We all try.
And the reason is because we're taught to try.
We've been taught to try our whole lives.
That's why it's so difficult for you because from a young age where we're taught to try
harder, try our best, try again, give it a try.
Like we've been misled, you know, our parents and then their parents before them.
And Yoda actually, you know, it's been noted a hundred million times and it's on many
posters, you know, little green Yoda says, do or do not, there is no try, right?
Yes.
And we know that's ever really said, hey, why did he say that?
We love the saying, but no one's really asked like, well, why not?
And what Yoda said, the line before that very iconic line in Star Wars, Yoda says to Luke
Skywalker, you must unlearn what you have learned.
And that's what we have to do.
We've been taught.
We have to unlearn it.
We have to change it because it is limiting.
It is so self limiting.
And here's a visual, another tool to stop doing it whenever you feel that you want to say
I'm trying, trying, trying, imagine it's this huge boulder that you're putting in front
of yourself or you're strapping on a huge boulder that you have to carry around with you until
you get the job done.
Trying is a heavy weight.
It gets in front of taking action.
So when you try, you're putting the focus on the effort, the effort that it's going to
take to get something done.
But when you just say, oh, I'm going to go do this.
I'm going to go wash my car.
I'm going to go workout.
I'm going to go, you know, clean out my closet or whatever it is.
Then you're focusing on the outcome, okay?
Because you're in due mode.
Oh, I'm doing this.
And then this is what's going to happen.
Because I'm trying to do this and it's going to be an effort and it's going to be really
hard.
Yeah, yeah, I love that.
And then the last point that you made was the how, making small steps and not overwhelming
yourself, which I love that I, when I work with my clients, I always encourage them to take
small steps because you get wins quicker, you know?
And the more wins that you get, the more motivation, the more momentum you create in your
life.
And you do create big transformation over time when you're taking these little steps.
And so just, and I always tell people too, it's like, you don't need to know the whole road
Mac.
We just, just need to know the next right step.
And then after you do that, the next right step after that, come, you know, then you'll think
about that.
And so I love focusing on baby steps.
And one of the things that I love about it personally is it's amazing how much,
it's amazing how much a difference you can make in your life and so little time with little
baby steps.
So like a lot of us think, oh, I don't have the time for that.
I don't have the time for that.
When it will really just take us about one minute to do like the doctor's appointment, right?
Sam, making the doctor's appointment.
Well, maybe not that.
Maybe that's not an example.
No.
Making that phone call.
Absolutely.
Yeah, it's quick, you know?
It's so quick and you keep putting it off and putting off.
And then I call it, it's like that, it takes up space in your head, you know?
It takes up space and energy until you get it done.
So then you think about it later, oh, I have to call that person.
And then you wake up in the morning and you're like, I have to call that person.
It's like, just do it.
Just get it out here.
Get it out here.
Oh my God.
You've just made me think of so many things I want to share.
So, yes, trying is thinking about worrying about, wondering about, instead of just going
and doing it.
And this is a great story.
I tell it a lot because it's just so fantastic.
It happened years ago.
It sums up the whole thing for me in a moment.
So when my kids were in school, I would drive them to the park to get the bus.
And every time I'd go, I'd bring the dog and we'd walk around this loop at the park.
And there was this guy.
And he had these giant headphones on, like huge.
And he would just walk around the park and circles and circles.
And I always wonder, like, what's he listening to?
You know, I was in the music business.
I'm curious.
And he just seemed to be so into it.
Is it classical music?
Look, what's he doing?
So one day I got there and he had the headphones off.
I've never met him before.
We would just see each other.
So I asked him, I'm like, hi, I see you here all the time.
What are you listening to?
And he said, oh, I'm listening to motivational things and podcasts.
And there's so many things that I'm trying to do in my life, but I just don't seem to have
the follow through.
And of course I hear the word try.
And I'm like, I wasn't even writing the book at this time.
And I looked at this guy and I just said to him, tell me one thing that you're trying to
do.
And he said, okay, I'm trying to swim.
I know I need to get back into some sort of physical activity.
We have the new pool at the YMCA.
I'm going to try to get back into swimming.
And I said to him, this is all I said, stop trying to go swim and go swim.
And he just looked at me.
I'm like, stop trying to go swim, go swim.
And I thought, I'm never going to see this guy again, okay?
I just freaked him out.
24 hours later, he's at the park waiting for me screaming across the park.
I did it.
I swam.
I didn't try.
And this is an exact perfect example of he was ruminating about this, thinking about it,
getting motivation to do it, hearing other people talk about when all he had to do was do
it, right?
He was spending so much time worrying about it, thinking about it, having anxiety about
it, you know, planning it.
And I gave him permission to just go do it.
And I interviewed him for my book.
I years later, I'm like, he goes, I'm still swimming.
I'm still doing it.
And by the way, I changed careers, like I'm changing my life.
And I've run into countless people because I've been doing this a while that are like, you
know what, I'm not trying anymore.
I'm doing this, I'm doing this, I'm doing this.
So yeah, when you get out of your head, it's so much harder to think about it and worry
about it.
But I'm just going to get into my mind.
I'm just going to get into my mind.
I think I'm going to get into my mind.
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And I'm going to just stop saying that word.
