Capacity

This week I want to talk about something that has been very prominent for me and also kind of surprised me: my capacity to hold everything in my life right now, and how all our experiences, both emotional and physical, affect this capacity. I'll talk about how stress and anxiety can sneak up on you when they're coming from all angles, even when you're doing all the self-care, or maybe even if you've only fallen off track for a week or two. This is the situation that always sneaks up on me every time, so I wanted to share it with you, just in case this happens to you as well, and how I'm getting back on track.

You know how you have those moments where everything is going pretty well? You're in a groove with work, fun, your health, and well-being, and you just feel pretty damn good. You say to yourself, "Man, I got it down." You feel like nothing can throw you off. Well, a couple of weeks ago, this is where I was at.

The reason I wanted to share this story is because I cried when I watched Pitch Perfect for the 100th time. Yup, that's when I knew I needed a lot of rest.

It all started when I was getting ready to head up to New York to pull the garlic my son and I had planted, over 1,800 bulbs, and visit with my dad. My daughter was also coming. I was so excited to see everyone. I did have a little anxiety about the drive, which is normal for me, so I decided to see if there was a different way to avoid the mountains and make my ride easier. Starting maybe 10 years ago, I started having anxiety around driving on mountains and some bridges, but not all. Once I got to Pennsylvania heading into New York, I was stressed and tired because I already had one day of driving in. For two hours I was highly stressed driving through the mountains, and I needed to change this. So I thought, let's map a different way.

I found a new way and mapped it out, but the GPS would not follow it because it was not the most efficient way to go. So I did things the old-school way. I ended up going over a somewhat scary bridge that was one mile long, just a tad too much for me but not terrible, but then I got lost in New Jersey for a little bit. So, I was a little stressed. Overall, the ride was better, and I thought the more I did it, the better it would get. I also thought two minutes of anxiety over the bridge is better than two hours over the mountains. 100%.

I was tired when I got to New York but had a few recovery days until I had to start the work of pulling the garlic.

So, the first part of the trip was mentally stressful and a little physical, and now we're going to move into the physical part.

The weather forecast told me if I waited for my son to arrive to pull the garlic, it would be rainy and wet. Not good for the garlic. So I made the decision to pull the garlic myself, and my son and I could clean it and hang it together. Best if I get it inside while it was dry. So I did it. I pulled it all myself, and it was a lot of work, to say the least. I was tired and sore.

In the background, I was worried about fitting it in my car, getting it to North Carolina, and then selling it in another state. Sounds crazy, because it is. My son comes, and we clean it, braid it, and hang it for drying. Once again, it was a lot of work, but we always have so much fun.

So then my son leaves and my daughter comes. Keep in mind, whenever someone comes, I have to drive an hour and a half there and back to the train station because we are in the middle of nowhere. So there's a lot of driving. My daughter and her partner come, and we are out and about the whole time, keeping busy non-stop. The day they leave, we decide to go shopping because their train isn't until late. So we head out, and then it starts: the storms, the downpours. The ride home from shopping was a white-knuckle ride, very scary, I could not see anything in front of my car. Then we got home, and we had to head out to the train station. Another three hours of driving in the rain.

The worst part: I had to head home the next morning back to North Carolina. I had to load all the garlic in the car, pack up, and be ready the next morning to get on the road early. I did not think this through. I also had to get home because I had to take care of a dog on the weekend, and I had a big art fair a day after I would get home. So I could not postpone.

When I looked at the weather, it was bad. Nothing but more downpours, storms, and the threat of flooding. The ride home was so stressful. There were flooding detours and just plain scary weather. I drove for nine hours, and I was not going to make it to Virginia. I had to stop early in Pennsylvania. So at a rest stop, I changed my reservation for the hotel and stopped in Pennsylvania, thinking tomorrow will be the easy day, not too stressful, but long, nine or ten hours.

I slept like a rock but woke up exhausted, and I was concerned. How was I going to do this? Thankfully, the weather was perfect, and for the last two hours of the ride, I had to talk on the phone to distract myself from how tired my body was. It wasn't that I was going to fall asleep. It was that my actual body was tired, and it felt very strange.

Anyway, here I am, home. Alive. I took care of the dog, had a very successful market, and now I'm just trying to recover. For days I didn't feel right, and I thought, I'm just going to take it easy, do some art, and try not to do so much. All the while during this whole time also needing a root canal and knowing I have to get that scheduled. Just overall too much.

Now, let's add: world disruption, corrupt government, end-of-the-world weather changes that I just drove home in, and end-stage capitalism. So that's the overall background flavor of it all. Oh yes, and the root canal was going to cost me four thousand dollars. Yay! That was a nice touch, universe.

So I decide to watch Pitch Perfect. I have all three movies, and these are my go-to movies when I need some cheering up. So I think it was the end of Pitch Perfect 2, and it was when they were kind of saying goodbye to each other when I started crying. I was like, "What is going on with me?" This is when I knew. I need more than a little self-care. I need a self-care overhaul, and I need to not ever do anything like that again. That was too much.

So can you relate to this level of overwhelm? How did I get here? I went over this in my head, and it was easy to see this was too much for anyone, let alone me, someone with anxious tendencies at times.

So what's the plan? Well, a complete overhaul as far as I'm concerned.

I decided to look at all the stuff I was doing and ask myself: what's important, and what can be released? Also, how can I always prioritize my self-care? I was not meditating or doing any yoga that whole time. Not leaving enough downtime. Also, when taking these trips, deciding if I can just fly to make it easier on myself. I really like to bring my dog, and this is the reason I drive. But sometimes, I just need to give myself a break. The big question that I don't really want to explore is: can I plant the garlic in North Carolina, and what would this look like? Then when I go to New York, it would always be for pleasure, and I could truly enjoy the visits.

The whole point of me sharing this with you is just this. We all have a certain capacity for stress, whether it's mental or physical. We all have a breaking point, and it's up to us to know that point and manage our lives so we don't cry during Pitch Perfect. We need to acknowledge that when we combine extreme physical stress along with mental stress, it's a double whammy, and we need to care for ourselves a little deeper. So it's not always about making everything easier. It's also about knowing our own capacity and respecting ourselves enough to keep our self-care in check.

I feel a little better now, taking it easy and really evaluating all the things I'm doing and what I can release. Not just to make things easier, but also to thrive at the things that are most important, and one of those things is my health.

I hope this helped you and inspires you to take care of yourself at the deepest level, both mentally and physically.

xo, T

P.S. For the ultimate stress relief, join me for some relaxing mediations on my YouTube Channel: Soul Aligned Self Care with Tina Stinson - YouTube